oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
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Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Discuss
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life