oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
You Might Also Like
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”