Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
You Might Also Like
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
groan^2
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days