Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what