“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*