You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
You Might Also Like
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.