“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.