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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it