When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.