Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Selfie
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Good news
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people