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When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.