A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”