It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?