No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.