Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.