My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform