My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
lol
