[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]