Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
You Might Also Like
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy