Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
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Oh. My. God.
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch