Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.