sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
life finds a way
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out