Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
did it work
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The happy life.. 😊
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me