Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.