Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
You Might Also Like
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Saturday
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*