AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Think I pulled my liver
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.