dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.