Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
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My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?