Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I had to Stop for this
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.