When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court