took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.