Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you had more money you’d be happier.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m already scared
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.