Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
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*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.