Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
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If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Best seat on the street 😍
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
This is so me 😂😂
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…