11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
No regrets in 2018
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
meow
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.