Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable