[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?