The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]