Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
All. The. Damn. Time.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Brands during Pride
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.