I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
You Might Also Like
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I was bored.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask