[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day