@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

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@Pulse_NYC

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

@abbycohenwl

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

@bewgtweets

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

@HatfieldAnne

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

@Contwixt

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

@Ideal_Victoria

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

@flashember

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

@FlatEartherKitt

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.