Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
This 4th of July, please remember…
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*