How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You Might Also Like
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
me and my fake scenarios
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
yeah not falling for this one
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐