Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?