Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Thinking about Jeff
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this