Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
pat pat
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*