We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Haha good job!!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.