We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!