{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
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There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
oh my gosh!!
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.