Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
What’s a Messi?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.