A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA