I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
The smoothest fall of all time
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now