Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him