I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
You Might Also Like
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol